


It was all my fault, so why am I hurting?

by minincentric



Category: ITZY (Band)
Genre: Childhood Friends, F/F, Lovers to exes - Freeform, Songfic, based off stray kids - ex, i wanna give ryujin a hug, mention of lia and chaesis, very angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-23
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:20:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28255317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minincentric/pseuds/minincentric
Summary: Childhood best friends to high school sweethearts to exes. That was their story.
Relationships: Hwang Yeji/Shin Ryujin
Kudos: 20





	It was all my fault, so why am I hurting?

**Author's Note:**

> hi i’m back this time with a song fic, ryeji au based off stray kids “ex”. i impulsively wrote this, stressed from finals and feeling a little numb. it’s not my best, haven’t written in a while but i hope you enjoy thank you <3
> 
> this is kinda beta-ed and proofread but not completely sorry ajjfjsf + lyric trans are from genius sorry if they are wrong

Shin Ryujin at age 23 hit her mid-life crisis. A year out of college, she went back to her hometown trying to figure out who she was or at least what to do with herself. Sitting at the corner table of the small coffee shop behind the alley, memories started flooding back, showing her where it all went wrong. Hwang Yeji.

_'I search for you in our broken memories.'_

Childhood best friends to high school sweethearts to exes. That was their story. 

The Hwangs moved next door the summer of Ryujin’s fourth grade, Yeji’s fifth. With only a year between them, the two were inseparable. Communicating through the upstairs window with a marker and paper, they went on a new adventure each day. Some days they went to the park down the street, other days they danced alone to random songs on the radio while their parents worked. Leaving middle school and going into high school, their parents warned the two girls it would be difficult to make time for the other and that’s okay, that’s just how life is. 

But boy did they prove everyone wrong. Ryujin fit in perfectly with Yeji’s friend group. Granted the younger made her own friends, the two still stuck to each other whenever they could. Going from one period to another, stopping at their lockers to pick up books or walking home together after practices, they made time for each other. 

Both of them being captains of the dance team also helped a lot.

Staying late after school practicing choreo for competitions and teasing from every group of friends, Ryujin was ready to accept she had feelings for the older. It wasn’t a new concept liking the same gender, she had come to terms with that a long time ago. It was that she was falling in love with her best friend. She always knew what she felt for Yeji was different than how she felt for her other friends. But admitting it out loud, it scared her.

Yeji was sweet and kind, always smiling and looking out for the younger. It was hard not to fall for her. But it was even harder to keep her feelings a secret. They knew each other a little too well, so when Ryujin started shutting Yeji out, she knew something was wrong. 

After a long night of Yeji tracking Ryujin down, locking the two in a practice room to talk things out and Ryujin ultimately kissing the older, they came out as girlfriends. ( hehe ) Yeji was stunned at first, not expecting to be kissed, but grabbed Ryujin’s waist and smiled, kissing her more. They talked for a bit, about feelings and whatnot. The two were just happy to be together. Walking home holding hands, Yeji teased the younger for choosing to avoid her feelings rather than doing something about it, “that’s not very bold of you Ms. I’m a confident gay.”

They were perfect for each other both top dancers, had amazing chemistry on stage and off, and truly understood each other. How could it go wrong ? 

_‘When you asked me if something was wrong  
I just shook my head side to side  
I told you just to not worry about it’ _

Yeji graduated with top marks and having multiple competition wins under her belt, got a full scholarship to her dream school, in Korea. She’s always wanted to visit the country her parents grew up in. Not to mention being on stage was her dream and with idols on the rise, Korea was her best shot at becoming a dancer. Her parents, wanting to go back and see their family were completely on board with going back home. Everyone was excited for Yeji, well everyone except Ryujin.

Ryujin wanted to be happy and supportive for Yeji, she really did. But she couldn’t help but want to tell the older to stay in New York with her. It was selfish but she didn’t want Yeji to go. Still, she went to the airport, put on a smile and hugged her then girlfriend goodbye with a promise to facetime whenever they could. Long distance relationships don’t usually last, but they could prove everyone wrong, they did last time why can’t they do it again ?

When it was Ryujin’s turn to graduate, she too got a full ride to her dream school, except hers was in New York, just a couple minutes away from where they grew up. She could’ve swore she saw Yeji’s smile drop for a second, though she chose to ignore that. Ryujin did get into the school Yeji was currently attending, however studying abroad wasn’t something that sparked her interest, plus she mainly applied for her girlfriend’s sake. 

This past year with Yeji gone was hard. And to go through that for how much longer ? Ryujin wanted these thoughts to stop, she knew they could go through this all together. Yet she couldn’t help but start distancing herself, once again. Yeji noticed how the younger started treating her, asking if they were okay, Ryujin just smiled and nodded.

_‘We said everything we wanted to say  
And wrote it off as not being right for each other’ _

During Ryujin’s spring break, she and her mom decided to fly to Korea as a vacation. Korea is beautiful during the springtime, or so she was told. They stayed at her cousin’s house, which just happened to be a five minute walk from Yeji’s house. The two spent every minute they could together, though both of them could tell it wasn’t the same. But being apart for so long, they both changed. Their favorite flavors of ice cream and taste of music were the same, so was their sense of humor, but something was different. Something was off.

The day before Ryujin was set to go home, she went to go pick Yeji up from her last practice session of the day. She saw how free and happy Yeji was there. Yeji belonged here, in Korea, with her new dance team and friends. Korea looked good on the older and Ryujin wasn’t going to be the one to drag her down all because she wanted her girlfriend to herself. 

That was the final push that caused their relationship to tumble down.

Yeji bounced over, wrapping her arms around Ryujin, smiling telling her today was a great day. They went to have a picnic next to the Han River. Watching the sunset, both deep in thought, Ryujin didn’t want to ruin what they had, but she knew it had to end now or they’d both end up in more pain later on.

“Yeji…” “Save it. I know where this is going, please not tonight.”

Ryujin sighed. “We’re going to have to talk about this sooner or later and I’d honestly prefer sooner. We can’t keep pretending this is working, it’s not. I’m just trying to save us from being hurt even more.”

“Save us ? Have you stopped to think how I feel ?” Ryujin played with her fingers, not looking up at the girl sitting next to her. 

“Ryujin, baby. I love you, you know I do. And I get it, it’s been hard. We went down different paths, hell we live in different countries. I thought we could make this work, we’ve always had. It’s always been us, Yeji and Ryujin against the world, but now look at us. What are we ?” At this point Ryujin had looked up to see tears streaming down Yeji's cheeks, along with a sad smile. 

“I think we should break up. You’ve been one of the best things to ever happen to me, and I know you’ve been thinking about this just as I have, so I know we’re both on the same page, even if it hurts. Thank you, for being there for me everytime, but maybe we just aren’t right for each other.” After Yeji finished talking, she kissed Ryujin on the cheek, got up and walked away. She looked back and said one last goodbye, before walking out of the park, and out of Ryujin’s life.

_‘I guess I didn’t realize, it’s so hard to breathe  
When I’m not with you, what did I have so much faith in to do that ?’ _

Returning back to the states, Ryujin’s mom didn’t bring anything up, she was thankful for that. Despite being the one to initiate the conversation, she wasn’t ready to accept that Yeji wasn’t hers anymore. She started up her routine, college, work then the studio. Except now there was no Yeji to call when she couldn’t get a move down, or when she was stressed and just wanted some comfort to tell her everything would be okay.

It’s been months since the trip to Korea and all she could think about was Yeji. They were best friends before their relationship, so obviously being without her would hurt, she just didn’t think it would hurt this much. Not having someone to annoy or being woken up in the middle of the night because Yeji got too excited and forgot about time zones, or just to be able to be herself without the fear of judgment because Yeji’s seen her through everything and could care less.

All Ryujin’s thoughts were full of Yeji, Yeji, Yeji and more Yeji. It was almost as if she was suffocating, not being able to function without her, but yet her mind was too full of their memories for Ryujin to do anything else. She couldn’t breathe knowing she let Yeji out of her grasp, but she also couldn’t breathe remembering what they had.

_‘I didn’t know my place and I let you go  
I hate myself for regretting it this much’ _

Ryujin’s senior year of college wass the next time the two saw each other. It’s been three years and she isn’t very proud of how she’s been holding up. She’s had her fair share of one night stands, but it’s never been anything more than that. It's been three years, and it’s embarrassing to say, she’s still in pain.

On the other hand, Yeji looks perfectly fine, a little tried with visible eyebags but she’s doing good. She showed up to the “ I miss you all let’s have a party because it’s been years since we all saw each other” party that their mutual friend hosted, smiling and laughing, just happy to see all her old friends again, even to see Ryujin.

“Hey Ryuj, how’ve you been ?” She said it softly, almost scared of saying something wrong. She must’ve seen the shocked expression on Ryujin’s face because she grabbed the younger’s hand and started rubbing circles like she used to do to help Ryujin calm down. Ryujin wanted to laugh, it was almost poetic how perfectly their hands fit together, how comforting it felt to be with Yeji again.

“Haven’t heard that name in a while.” She replied lightheartedly. Both girls knew there was some tension between them, treading cautiously careful of what to say next.“So-” “I-” They both stopped and laughed cutting each other off, it almost felt like they were carefree little middle schoolers again. 

That was until Ryujin saw an engagement ring sitting nicely on Yeji’s finger.

“Oh um, yeah. That wasn’t how I wanted to start this conversation, but I’m engaged now.” Yeji scratches the back of her head, smiling awkwardly. 

Ryujin felt her heart drop. She was the one to let Yeji go, she was the one who started to distance herself and broke them apart, yet she was the one who was still in pain. Yeji had long moved on and Ryujin was still clinging onto some hope that they could go back to how it was. And she hated herself for that.

_‘Even if I act like everything is fine, I can’t lie  
About this longing making me regret it all’ _

Ryujin finished her degree and moved out to Los Angeles. She worked part time as a barista, part time as a dance instructor at her nearest studio. And yet she couldn’t help but feel off. News broke out of Yeji’s engagement, apparently she got married to some rising soloist in Korea, Choi Jisu. They met due to Yeji being a dancer for one of the soloist’s stages and hit it off. Ryujin couldn’t compare to a celebrity. 

She ended up losing touch with everyone back in New York, it wasn’t personal, her only true friend was Yeji anyways. But it’s okay, she made new friends at the studio. It’s owned by two sisters, the Lee sisters, they take care of her. They’ve also noticed whenever someone plays a song by Choi Jisu, Ryujin completely shuts down and almost robotically leaves to be alone. They’ve banned any songs of hers from being played at the studio, which Ryujin is thankful for.

She tells everyone she’s fine, not one believes it since they know she’s trying to convince herself more than them. It works, until it doesn’t. Until she’s catching a flight back to New York and sitting inside a little cafe she and Yeji used to be regulars at. Sitting there staring out the window, wondering where her life has gone and why she’s such a mess. It’s unfair to blame it all on Yeji, but she does it anyway. Maybe if they weren’t exes, or maybe if the Hwangs had never moved in next door, maybe her life would be different. Better or worse ? She hasn’t decided on that yet.

**Author's Note:**

> hi it’s me again, thank you for reading my au i hope you liked it, comment your thoughts i’d love to see what you thought. 
> 
> my twt is itzminin scream at me there !


End file.
